Thursday 10/10/2013

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs NS

This post is for educational purposes. A friend has become interested in learning how to do cryptics, so with the aid my snide explanations of Thursday’s usual piss-poor pushover excuses for clues, they should be on their way to this level of arseholery in no time.

 

ACROSS

8. In the daydreams, unwind! But I’m not actually free to do it | My Hands Are Tied | Unwind indeed! Anagram. Typical. IN THE DAYDREAMS becomes MY HANDS ARE TIED, because that’s what you say when you’re not free to do something. That’s as hard as you get, Thursday, which makes you good for a learner. At least you’re good for something.

9. Work in the workshop usually | Opus | Hidden in the workshOP USually, we have a work. Container clue. Moving on.

10. Damage done to arch with two-cubed faces | Octahedron | Damage? Surely this isn’t ANOTHER anagram already? Wait it is. DONE TO ARCH is ten letters of fun when turned into OCTAHEDRON, which probably means the last bit of this clue.

11. Starts providing gold for every really indigent guy | Pauper | Starts providing? P. Gold is AU because science, and for every is PER, because Latin. And a PAUPER is a really indigent guy. Well defined, Thursday.

13. Puts out branches of creative activity for status seekers | Upstarts | PUTS out becomes UPST and branches of creative activity are ARTS so blammo, UPSTARTS are status seekers. Jolly good.

14. Mining silo you crushed in a shameful way | Ignominiously | This is why you suck, Thursday. MINING SILO YOU crushed is clearly the nonsense ramblings of someone shoehorning an anagram into the guise of a grammatically correct sentence, which makes it clear that it’s the anagram. So think of a word that means in a shameful way and then move those letters around until IGNOMINIOUSLY appears, and you’ll see why I’m right about you, Crossword.

16. This time, just lost top senior worker and assistant | Adjutant | This time here means AD, because God is dead. Take the word JUST and lose the top of Senior and you’re left with JUT which is a nice and convoluted way of doing something simple which I guess is what cryptics are all about so no complaints there. A worker is common shorthand for an ANT, because worker ants are a thing. An assistant is a ADJUTANT. Ta-da.

18. Each point, one lottery ends without any problem | Easily | I can’t wait until the Thursday comes by when you do a clue just by saying what number along in the alphabet each letter of the word is. Because that’s how rubbish I think you are, Thursday. Each is EA, point is S, one is I, lottery ends are LY, without any problem is EASILY.

20. A vault with an adjustment of legs for celestial beings | Archangels | A vault is an ARCH, an is AN (baffling), and adjustment of LEGS gives GELS for ARCHANGELS, celestial beings. Heavens to Murgatroyd.

21. He carries the letters, first and last, in a fog | Haze | I am the sayer of sooth. He is HE, and the letters, first and last, are A and Z, because the alphabet. Not far off, was I? HE carries AZ for HAZE, a fog.

22. Some dogs, they cry, run after the car cleaners | Carpet Sweepers | Some dogs are PETS. They cry; who cry? WEEPERS, that’s who. Run them after the CAR and you get cleaners or CARPET SWEEPERS.

DOWN

1. My work I start, actually, with an inability to perceive distance | Myopia | My work I start, actually, is drivel and since it makes no freakin’ sense it’s prolly gonna be the cryptic bit, because Thursday you are so so very shit. My becomes MY, work is OP as in opus, I is I, and the start of Actually is A. Fucking hell, Thursday, you are literally spelling it out for us. MYOPIA is etc.

2. This skin disease sounds like the one you have | Yaws | And finally, a pun clue. About time, Thursday, you were once again providing a very shallow pool of teaching resources. The one you have is YOURS. This skin disease sounds like that, so YAWS it is. Mmm, tropical!

3. Margo, edited 50 per cent; reversing with an arrow, for example | Ideogram | Shithouse. You might as well have had an arrow, for example, pointing at the answer in neon lights. You don’t need to say 50 per cent, Crossword, because the word is already completely contained in reverse in MARGO EDIted. Take your ham fists and shove them down your throat til you choke.

4. Sub-test not at all unusual and, finally, just as important | Last But Not Least | Aaaaaanagram. SUB-TEST NO AT ALL unusual? I beg to differ, Crossword, it’s very unusual. For a decent crossword. But par for your shitty course. So many gophers. It becomes LAST BUT NOT LEAST, meaning finally and just as important, I guess.

5. She has followed me in networks | Meshes | She has here is abbreviated to SHE’S because that’s how Crossword rolls. Have that follow ME and you get MESHES for networks. *clap….clap…clap*

6. Make breathless the girls with lifting apparatus! | Windlasses | To make someone breathless is to WIND them, and girls are LASSES. What are WINDLASSES, I hear you cry? I don’t know! Lifting apparatuses, probably! But you Google it because like someone wearing a chastity belt, I can’t be fucked.

7. This time, silly riot literally ends fast and skilfully | Adroitly | This time is AD because see above. A ‘silly’ RIOT is ROIT, because Crossword has a very low threshold for silly. LiterallY ends are LY, and ADROITLY is a word.

12. Writer initially portrayed us her top secretaries and office workers | Pen Pushers | Writer here means PEN, because pens write. Get it? I know, outrageous. Initially portrayed is P, because initials, right? I know! Us is US, and her is HER, because Crossword was absolutely exhausted after those first two bits of shorthand. Top secretaries is S because of the same initial thing as before. Yeesh. Office workers are PEN PUSHERS, I suppose. As loose a definition as your are a shit cruciverbalist.

14. Implied in very serious current extremes | Indirect | This is about as good as you’ve ever got, Crossword, with is damning. In is IN, very serious is DIRE, and the extremes of the word current are CT, giving INDIRECT for implied. Bravo.

15. Go beyond love poem, quietly including final sonnet | Overstep | Love here means O because tennis. A poem is a VERSE, quietly is P because music and Italian and ooh didn’t you know, and if you include the final letter of sonnet you get OVERSEP with a T thrown in for go beyond, or OVERSTEP. You may have hit your stride, but too little too late, Crossword.

17. Chew on a pea without breathing | Apnoea | Chew ON A PEA for without breathing, or APNOEA. This one’s a lesson in itself! Thanks for lending a hand, Thursday.

19. Left one final letter on a road reptile | Lizard | Left is L, one is I, the final letter is Z, and a road is ARD. LIZARD, for those of you playing at home. It’s a kind of reptile.

21. Really wish he accepts the work | Hope | HE accepts the work or OP for HOPE, meaning really wish. Or just wish, as it is.

 

Hope you find this useful and not at all really awful and insulting to read! Enjoy.

 

 

Guardian Late Summer Prize Cryptic Crossword

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs Maskarade

You really did, didn’t you Crossword? You thought you were better than me, didn’t you? You really thought you had me this time. You printed this bullshit and sat back in your high ivory chair in your ivory tower swirling your brandy in your ivory brandy glass, toasting to evil, thinking no one would get up in your shit this time? WELL GUESS AGAIN FUCKO. Prepare to be viciously raped in the mouth.

You all see that fucking bullshit? Yeah check this shit out. Fuck.

Each clue consists of two parts, run together: the solution to the first part belonging to grid A and the second part to grid B. The initial letters of the 26 solutions in each grid run from A to Z. Of the total of 52 solutions, 26 are of a kind and are not further defined. The initial letters of these 26 themed solutions also run from A to Z, with 14 appearing in grid A and 12 in grid B. The solutions should be entered in the grids, jigsaw-wise wherever they will go.

Get fucked.

A Friendly sailor in a distance race, totally – that is right ( 7; 6) | Amiable; Allier |And so it begins. Sailor is unsurprisingly AB, and a distance race is A MILE, so there we have AMIABLE for friendly. Then totally is ALL and that is stands for IE and right is R for the first of our themed clues. No definition for them, just cryptic. What is the ALLIER, I hear you cry? The first of 26 boring things. Strap in!

B Bottle for Babylonian King – composer dropped small one placed on middle of tray (9; 11) | Balthazar; Brahmaputra |Okay, here’s where the learning starts. Thanks to the internet I managed to find out that BALTHAZAR is one of the three dudes who brought presents to the baby Jesus for the creepiest birthday ever. Wait, that’s not a Babylonian King…oh here it is, let me blow the dust off these pages. Seems that it’s an alternate spelling for BELZHAZZAR, an actual king. Oh and it’s also a biblical measurement of wine. Well what a massive dickaround that was, thanks a bunch Crossword. And that’s only half of it…

Composer is BRAHMS, drop small from BRAHM, one is A, placed is PUT, and the middle of TRAY is RA. BRAHMAPUTRA. What the flying fuck is that, Crossword? Fuck me sideways, we’re only up to B.

C Sugar producer accepts money (mark) in charge of certain irrigation (7; 7) | Cayenne; Colonic |Sugar comes from CANE, and if it takes in the money YEN we get CAYENNE. Are these all a series of peppers? Nearly there. Where it gets trickier is that the mark in brackets ain’t the German money kind, it’s this one : so if it’s In Charge we get COLONIC, a certain type of irrigation. A gross type.

D Bad dream about times frighten Dutch relative (8; 5) | Demerara; Daunt |A bad DREAM isn’t a nightmare it seems, just DEMRA. Put that around times or an ERA and you get DEMERARA, which I thought was a kind of sugar. Maybe they’re all just condiments and seasonings? Is ALLIER spicy, I wonder…BRAHMAPUTRA sounds like it’d be in a curry. Anyway the next word means frighten, so a relative is AUNT and Dutch it seems is a new code for the letter D. I can think of something much more apt that stands for, Crossword.

E Cross in sort of triangle, outside hut Parsee rebuilt (8; 9) | External; Euphrates |I am taking this inanimate piece of paper called Crossword into a science lab and getting all Dr Frankenstein on it, stitching limbs onto it and giving it a brain and a mouth and bringing it to life just so it can suck my dick. Seriously, you fuck?! A sort of triangle?! Eat me. It’s not any of the kinds of triangles we all learnt about at school, like equilateral, isosceles or scalene, and it’s not even the Bermuda triangle. It’s an ETERNAL triangle, which is some love bullshit. Great. Put a cross in and you get EXTERNAL meaning outside. Well shit. At least HUT PARSEE was an anagram so transparent it gave the whole game away for me. The EUPHRATES is a river, like the ALLIER, the BRAHMAPUTRA, the CAYENNE, and the DEMERARA. WE’RE LOOKING FOR RIVERS, PEOPLE! 26 RIVERS FROM EVERY LETTER OF THE ALPHABET! STAY ALERT MOTHERFUCKERS!

F German eleven upset about boy heading off, seen with Fred – oddly, makes on invisible! (5; 4-4) | Foyle; Fern-seed |Never mind, you won’t have heard of half of these rivers, so get Googling. Eleven in German is ELF, which couldn’t POSSIBLY have been clued any other way gee what else does that word mean YOU FUCK and put that about a BOY with its head of you get FOYLE, the river. Oh and remember how FERN-SEED is famously meant to make you invisible? Yeah me neither. Well it does. So you know. Anagram, SEEN with FRED.

G Cast an eye around sort of suit on shelf for group of workers and card-playing opponents (6; 6) | Gledge; Ganges |GLEDGE? Git te fuck, Crossword. GLEDGE? Doesn’t even sound real. A sort of suit must be a G, because a shelf is a LEDGE, giving us this horseshit word meaning look around, but which could mean whatever the fuck because it’s fucking made the fuck up by Crossfuckingword. The themed clue eases up a bit here, a river starting with G comes from a GANG of workers and the East and South bridge playing opponents giving ES for the GANGES. Still…fuck off, Crossword.

H Could be the Ural leader, high in Germany, crashing mini – on heroin (7; 2,3,4) | Herault; Ho Chi Minh |This gave me the dicking around of a lifetime. That fucking comma. Could be the Ural – that’s the river clue. HERAULT, it seems. The leader is the definition of the latter half of the clue. High in German is HOCH, again with this famous love of all things German. Crash MINI for IMIN, and add heroin or H on the end for the leader HO CHI MINH. Balltickler.

I Rather than mix of fine oats with date, males tucked into most of the rice dish (7,2; 7) | Instead Of; Ilmenau |’Rather than’ is an excellently worded literal definition for a clue, especially one coming in two distinct parts with two separate clauses to it, and ESPECIALLY coming from Crossword who is a massive cunt. A mix of FINE OATS with D for date gives INSTEAD OF. Searching for a river beginning with I, we get the rice dish PILAU, or most of it at least for ILAU, and throw males or MEN in for the ILMENAU, which is a fine river, a fine river indeed. Which is, of course, as far as rivers go, which is I don’t give a shit about rivers go fuck yourcrosswordself.

J Katie Price or basketball star from Jamaica I left with fliers for prisoners (6; 9) | Jordan; Jailbirds |Two clues for the undefined bit? Someone’s feeling generous. Or maybe just isolated and desperate. Yeah let’s go with that. The ‘model’ Katie Price is better known as JORDAN, which is the surname of Michael of basketball fame. Also a massive river. Leaving us with a regular cryptic clue, Jamaica becoming JA, I remaining as I, left becoming L, and fliers being BIRDS BECAUSE THEY FLY HAHAHAHAHA and JAILBIRDS are prisoners. Not even halfway. Fuck.

K Branagh cut translation of Kelt Rose for author and political refugee (6; 8) | Kennet; Koestler | Oh even YOU’RE getting sick of it, Crossword! Let’s go through all the Branaghs we know, okay KENNETH and we’re done. Cut it for KENNET, which Google will tell you is a river somewhere. Then ask a friend if they’ve heard of an author or political refugee whose name has the letters KELT ROSE in it and they will hopefully have heard of KOESTLER because I sure as shit hadn’t but then again I’m a vulgar ignoramus so what do I know.

L Plates broken in a meal during Angelo’s siesta (7; 6) | Laminae; Lossie |Reverse the first half for the answer; IN A MEAL broken means plates or LAMINAE. And the river is found during Angelo’s siesta, so start at the L in angeLO and keep going with the SIESta until there’s no more room and LOSSIE is the river.

M Reminders – notes – notes about half of the Russian capital on fashion magazine (9; 7) | Mementoes; Moselle |Yes, notes meaning ME and ME like Do Re Me and then NOTES about meaning NTOES is very clever, but a MEME is a thing now and could have also been a good reference but you are old and out of touch and the clue is bad and you should feel bad. MEMENTOES are reminders, by the by. So we take half of the Russian capital MOSCOW for MOS, and add the fashion magazine ELLE on for the river MOSELLE. Oh boy I bet that’s got water and banks and flows into a larger body of water just like the rest of them WOOOHOOOOO RIVERS

NB That there were no answers JOAN or PHOENIX in this theme is a fucking crime and a wasted opportunity for some excellent wordplay, which let’s face, is the whole fucking point of the game. Slitslapper.

N Back again with artist – no way drink is the cure (7; 7) | Niagara; Nostrum | Hey, AGAIN backwards is NIAGA! And RA is an artist, giving us the river. No means NO, and not just when it comes to sexual assault! Okay that’s the worst thing I’ve ever written here, moving on. A way is a ST and a drink is RUM, combined for the cure NOSTRUM, which I thought was just a latin word meaning ours but there ya go.

O Not impeding progress to a few youth arranged books, getting thanks starting to walk away (3,2,3,3; 6) | Out Of The Way; Ottawa | Anagram of TO A FEW YOUTH for OUT OF THE WAY meaning not impeding. Great, now for the river. Books are the Old Testament because Crossword needs to remind everyone of his views. Live and let live, I thought they said? Ah whatever. So OT gets thanks or TA and the starts to Walk Away join for the OTTAWA river.

P Part of pitch where a player gets tangled with a net – Scotsman after snapshot not having a second (7,4; 7) | Penalty Area; Potomac | I stared at the letters of A PLAYER A NET for ages and only in the closing moments of entering the other clues did I get PENALTY AREA because eat a dick Crossword. Part of pitch? Sure thing, dickhead, whatever. POTOMAC though, leapt off the page! River starting with P? What else? Also a Scotsman is MAC to the racist English which Crossword definitely is, and a snapshot is a PHOTO, not having a second for POTO. Racist!

Q Witty remark to a Republican standing in line at gardens’ annexe, we’re told (6; 7) | Quipar; Queuing |Not even a fucking river I don’t think. Google sure searched far and wide and all it found was a misspelt Spanish settlement. But there’s a river there so fuck it. A witty remark is a QUIP and a Republican is A R, just like Dutch is now just D. Shithouse. Second bit’s not bad though, a gardens’ annexe, we’re told? KEW WING. Or QUEUING, meaning standing in line. ¡Me gusta! Entonces.

R Awfully virile Nationalist will talk and talk, country walk having started (7; 6,2) | Rivelin; Ramble On |What is with the initialling of whatever the fuck? Nationalist just becomes N, making RIVILE N awful for the RIVELIN, which is about as good an anagram as Jeremy’s Iron. But to talk and talk is to RAMBLE ON, a country walk being a RAMBLE and having started meaning to be ON. Just like Crossword always is, aintcha pal?! *slaps back, Crossword spills drink on self*

S Apostle’s Oxbridge college badly gilds the one window next to door (2,5; 9) | St John’s; Sidelight | Well, it’s either gonna be St Mark’s, St Luke’s, or as a quick search through Oxbridge college names will tell you, ST JOHN’S. Then anagram GILDS THE I for SIDELIGHT, which is not the thing Crossword said it is but will have to do. Maybe it’s an English thing that never made it to the internet because you know how the British mind their own business and keep to themselves and never venture off their island or impose their stuff onto others ever.

T Redhead in temporary shelter making auction bid for a couple of baseball fields (5; 3,8) | Trent; Two Diamonds | I’m not even checking that the TRENT is a river, Redhead is R and a temporary shelter is surely a TENT. Okay moving on, this auction bid is not for a house, but for a hand of cards. A couple of baseball fields are TWO DIAMONDS, a solid bid in bridge. NEEEEEERRRRRRD *gives wedgie*

U Upper-class loo with cloth cover is brought back, not measured, remounted incorrectly with bits of gold missing (8; 7) | Ullapool; Unmeted | Hey Crossword, now is a better time than ever for you to get fucked. From here on, you’re clutching at straws. Not even straws, you’re clutching at the straw-shaped cloud of smoke left behind from when the straws at which you were once clutching were rapidly torn from within your grasp. What I’m saying is for each of the letters U to Z, you can get fucked, so that’s twice for six remaining letters, so that’s you getting fucked a dozen times before we’re finished. And then I’ll have more to say.

Oh incidentally in case you’re wondering, Not measured is the literal, which is made from REMOUNTED incorrectly without bits of gold, meaning OR here for Spanish reasons I think. And ULLAPOOL is a river starting with U, and loo is in it backwards plus some other shit.

V Word picture that’s on a banknote and volume from Gaul – not half! (8; 5) | Vignette; Volga | VIGNETTE must be something on a British banknote. Who cares. Take half of the words VOLUME and GAUL away and you get VOLGA, which is…wait for it…yeah that’s right, a fucking river.

W Rainbound Grand National fence with fancy gold awning (5,4; 8) | Water Jump; Wanganui | Actually forget what I said, you can get fucked twice for each of these, for a total of fourteen times. Rainbound, which usually means nothing at all, here means the words WATER and JUMP, which is a type of fence you’ll find in the Grand National horse racing event. Steeplechase or some shit. Seriously twice the sodomy for you for that one. And WANGANUI officially has an H in it, but this must have been such a clusterfuck to construct that you thought it would be fine to make some shitty half arsed anagrams to solve, right? Because it’ll be EASIER and MORE OBVIOUS if you don’t use the official spelling, right? Cuntwit. AU for gold and fancy AU AWNING for the answer.

X Ten popular leading extracts from Guardian copies about sex and love with king (5; 7) | Xingu; Xeroxes | Reeeeally scraping the barrel here, Crossword. Ten is X because what else was it going to be when the answers both start with X. Popular is IN and the leading extracts from Guardian are just GU. Great, XINGU is a river. And SEX and love or O and king or REX is SEX-O-REX, which sounds like some fucked up dog mating service, but backwards it’s just XEROXES for copies. Oh.

Y Go back into nomads’ tents for desserts during holiday on Nevis (7; 5) | Yogurts; Yonne | Nomads tents are YURTS, so there’s that to find out first. Then put GO backwards into it for YOGURTS, which is apparently how the English are spelling YOGHURT now. First they say it wrong, then they SPELL it wrong, and now they’re telling me it’s a dessert food?! You have it on muesli for breakfast you fucking idiot. Go have some chips and warm beer. Now for the next bit find the letter Y and then take the four letters following it from holidaY ON NEvis for YONNE. One left.

Z Once, after a bit of sleep, by Yorkshire dale, Zulu eats out, composing letters (5; 5) | Zaire; Zetas | Two possibilities for this one’s reasoning: once is A, a bit of sleep is Z, and the ‘dale’ from YorkshIRE is the final third of it…OR, and which I suspect is more likely, once means ERE, and maybe people from Yorkshire would say it to make it sound like ZAIRE. Either way, it’s a river. Zulu just means Z, like Dutch means D and Nationalist means N and Crossword and Cunt are both C words. EATS out afterwards makes ZETAS, which are letters. Holy mother of shitballs, we actually did it. PS Lolz eats out rofl.

Okay…those are the answers. At first I thought you had to solve them all before fitting them into the grid, but the lengths of the clues are a help. There’s only two clues in each grid that are 11 letters long. Even just having one of them should tell you which way it goes. I got OUT OF THE WAY first, and running it across meant that the second down clue would end in a U, which is less likely than an 8-letter across clue starting with a U, which we know is the case. Same deal for the second grid with TWO DIAMONDS, which is more likely to go down so there’s an across clue of 8 letters starting with a W. Once you have a handful in, you can work out the starting letter of certain clues from the lengths, and with a few cross letters everything starts to fall into place. For the final placements, see below. I’m going on holiday.

Thursday 25/7/13

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs Philistine

Aw yeah Crossword, your aptly named setter hath incurred my wrath, my fiery profane wrath. Shit.

ACROSS

1. Criminals had fruit before 13 | Felons | WTM, Crossword? What the everloving shit, af I right? Criminals are FELONS, so I guess the fruit were MELONS?! Throw fe a mrickin’ bone here, Crossword.

4. Chap relaxed before 13 | Fellow | Fothermucker, you at it again?! Relaxed is MELLOW, so I guess a chap is a FELLOW?

9. Kitty’s game | Fowl | Okay this one I don’t know. And I don’t care. And Crossword? Muck you.

10. The cocoa’s final end products | Chocolates | Ooh, and &lit. to return mrof the fadness. THE COCOA’S and the end of finaL produce CHOCOLATES, which are indeed the final end products of the cocoa. CLUECEPTION

11. Europeans reporting money orders | Czechs | HAHAHAHAHA YES THEY SOUND LIKE CHEQUES HAHAHAHAHA

12. Spring elevation before 13 | Fountain | Again? Elevation is a mountain. Well there’s a pattern here, change the M to an F and you get the spring or FOUNTAIN. BUT WHY CROSSWORD?! WHYYYYY?!

13. F-form s-swap? | Sex Change | Oh that’s why.

15. Canine in a fit of anger | Fang | In a fit oF ANGer is a canine. The tooth. Yep.

16. Confront staff before 13 | Face | Staff is MACE, sex changed for FACE. Genius.

17. Officer’s ship given a rough ride | Brigadier | Ship is BRIG, add A plus rough RIDE and it’s an officer. They do this thing here in England where what looks like a possessive apostrophe is actually a contraction of the verb to be. There you go, learning. About England. And their shitty Guardian cryptic.

21. Possibly next Open champion | Exponent | OOOOH LOOK AT DA KEWT WIDDLE ANAGRAM NEXT OPEN possibly becomes EXPONENT or champion DAAAAAAAAW

22. Disagree with switch before 13 | Differ | Ha-HA! The switch is a DIMMER, so it becomes DIFFER when you cut off its dick.

24. Do E-numbers turn heavy? | Burdensome | Anagram. E-numbers do not turn heavy. The letters is DO E NUMBERS do.

25. Pick up entitlement at the ceremony | Rite | Lol pick up like hear it sounds like right not right but rite LOLZ

26. Death to river bear | Endure | Aw. This needed an exclamation to make it sound more like a villager’s chant. Death is the END, the river is the URE (probably – don’t make me Google it, I’ve had a gutful), and to bear is to ENDURE. Boo Boo!

27. Essential grandmother has a change of heart to become an African | Kenyan | Well what else is it gonna be?!

DOWN

1. Female to sleep around the flipping place with all sorts of creatures | Floozie | &lit. and a half I tell you what! Female is F, to sleep is to LIE, put that around OOZ, which is what you get when you flip the place with all sorts of creatures, the ZOO. And *drumroll* a FLOOZIE is a female who sleeps around the flippin’ place with all sorts of creatures! Hellz yeah, shame that dirty slut you sexist arsehole Crossword! British standards, my my.

2. Bush in relapse of critical illness | Lilac | It’s backwards in critiCAL ILlness. Relapse, y’dig? Dat’s a-right, homie.

3. Capital report on underwear drawer? | Nicosia | How do you say it? KNICKERS SEER? Ah whatever, it’s Cyprus’ capital.

5. Crazy duo in kinky sex book | Exodus | Cheeky. DUO crazy with SEX kinky makes EXODUS, the book. This is arguably an &lit. too, since we ALL know about all the wild and crazy Bible sex that book has. Jews fleeing captivity? Aw yeah, you know what I’m talkin’ bout, hellz yeah.

6. Prerequisite to quick fix as details hammered out | Least Said | Some British phrase I guess. AS DETAILS when hammered out produces what I assume means a prerequisite to a quick fix. Crossword, what are YOU like?

7. Small half-game greeting for the Scots | Weeping | Man, I am as sick of these Scottish references as the Scots are of being part of Great Britain. Small is WEE, and half of the game is PING, the other half being pong, if you’re not keeping up. Oh, and so you know, to greet in Scotland is another word for WEEP! So WEEPING is greeting, and vice-versa. Och a bonnie doon cont er mugglor.

8. Layout of Agincourt in conflict | Configuration | Okay, Crossword, good anagram. OF AGINCOURT IN conflict becomes the layout in question. Okay Crossword. I said, OKAY!

14. Betrayed at heart, wicked love caught in illicit cuddle | Cuckolded | Thank you Tripod for teaching me the meaning of this word. The heart of wiCKed and love or O are caught in the middle of an illicit cuddle becoming CULDED. Throw in the CKO and you get CUCKOLDED, meaning betrayed by a lover. Hats off, Tripod! And fuck off, Crossword.

16. Fitting blend before 13 | Fixture | Fore of this bullshit. Blend is MIXTURE. A fitting is a FIXTURE. Hope it doesn’t miss its balls.

18. Examines setter, coming up with spiritual yarn | Gods Eye | Ugh. Examines setter? EYES DOG. Coming up? GODS EYE. Spiritual yarn? Apparently. Knobcheese.

19. Team heavyweight’s always first | Everton | I am not even gonna bother looking this up to see if they exist. I know a heavy weight is a TON, and put always or EVER first and you get an obviously British name so I ain’t even gonna question it. General knowledge proves useless in a cryptic once again. Eat an ever-ton of dick, Crossword.

20. Hear the pitch of this note | Tenner | Eh hoo hoo hahahaHAHAHA HOO HOO HA that’s great the pitch of the note that’s HILARIOUS it’s like pitch like TENOR like the thrust HAHAHA or the purport HAHAHAHAHA but he makes it sound like music hahahaha it’s the TENNER like a ten pound note hahahaha ho ho ho ha hah eheheheh heheh .

23. Ship was happy before 13 | Ferry | Merry becomes FERRY. *throws newspaper in air, flips over desk, burns effigy of Crossword*

Wednesday 17/7/13

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs Picaroon

More like PicaRUIN, yeeeeaaaaaah booiiiiiiieeeee.

ACROSS

1. Rock group with means to go glam and bring harmony back | Kiss And Make Up | Seems like this could have been more concise, given that the band KISS are known for wearing MAKE UP anyway. But the rock group KISS have the means to go glam, which is the MAKE UP itself, and bringing harmony back is et cetera you do it too long too tired bah.

10. One providing deliveries, who tends to pitch striking opener | Roundsman | Ah HA! So one who tends to the pitch is the GROUNDSMAN, strike the opener of it for a ROUNDSMAN, which is one who provides deliveries. MILK!

11. Food store investing hard capital | Delhi | Ah ha again! Food store is a DELI. Hard is H, invested for DELHI, which is the capital of…a country.

12. Trifle contains divine alcoholic drink | Toddy | Daw, everything about the English is just adorable. A trifle is a TOY, and divine means DD, as in a doctorate of theology, that most useful of degrees. And a hot TODDY is a drink. Isn’t that the cutest clue you’ve ever seen? DAAAAAAW.

13. Governor to go off with a pistol to the east | Regulator | Well I certainly didn’t enjoy this as much as I should have. First time I’ve seen the word REGULATOR in a crossword and not ONE mention of Warren G. Disappointed, Crossword! To go off is to ROT, and a German pistol is A LUGER. ROTALUGER? To the east, for REGULATOR. Drop that beat, werd.

14. Early Christian city not for nothing needing church | Antioch | Not for is ANTI, nothing is O, and a church is CH. ANTIOCH is an early Christian city. See what he did there with the church thing? Bravo, Crossword.

16. One bolts from Amazon, perhaps admitting tax evasion, initially | Riveter | One bolts? Man you do this a lot in the Guardian. One does this, one does that. You’re not the fuckin’ Queen for gosh sakes. The Amazon is a RIVER, admitting the initials of Tax Evasion for a RIVETER, which is a thing that does indeed bolt.

18. Leave one’s spouse? Then settle equitably | Go Dutch | Pun.

20. Horrid urinals surrounded by water | Insular | Anagram. URINALS becomes INSULAR. Good phrasing. Gross though. More like GROSSWORD, am I right?! Fuck yeah *high five*

21. Nimble light infantry, miles away from the battle | Lithesome | UGH it’s like watching grass grow or some shit, you watch it and you don’t see it happen but then it’s there and you’re like why the FUCK did I even bother. Light infantry are just LI, and the battle is THE SOMME. Take Miles away and you get THE SOME, added to the top for LITHESOME, meaning nimble. Blech.

23. Cape and grass skirts modish | Point | DEVILISH! Grass is POT, and it skirts modish meaning hip or IN, for a POINT or a cape. The geographical kind, not the superhero kind.

24. Back very sore, needing massage | Verso | Latin much? Very sore, or V SORE, massaged to becoming VERSO meaning back. Like where we get words like REVERSE from. That are actually ENGLISH words, dj’know wot I mean?

25. Tempting sort of meat dog’s eaten | Leading On | It means tempting.

26. Homer apt to display this linguistic solecism? | Mixed Metaphor | HOMERAPT is an anagram of METAPHOR, so you might say it’s MIXED. Fandango.

DOWN

2. Chaste woman and partner beset by primitive urges, overwhelmed! | Inundated | Chaste means UNDATED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and blah blah means overwhelmed.

3. Bubbly? Yes, I’d guess regularly knocked back | Sudsy | Regulars of YES I’D GUESS are YSDUS knocked back for SUDSY meaning bubbly okay.

4. Egyptian ruler wanting month off | Nomarch | Just look it up like I and everyone else had to seriously fuck you Crossword.

5. Coach and horse engaged in paper round | Manager | Ooh, paper round is REAM backwards. NOICE. So MAER has a horse or NAG engaged in it for a MANAGER or coach. OOH.

6. Jokes about government with zero diplomacy | Kid Gloves | Well there you go, a phrase. Jokes is KIDS and government is just G it seems, and zero is LOVE like the reverse of how it’s normally clued! Interesting. Love means O and zero means LOVE. Waddya know. Oh and diplomacy is KID GLOVES, like when you need to handle something delicate I guess. Yeah good phrase, Crossword.

7. Shadowy Parisian hotel room may contain it | Unlit | So…christ…the French word for bed is LIT. A bed in French is UN LIT. And a hotel room might contain a bed, so a hotel room in Paris may contain UN LIT. UNLIT means shadowy…sort of. Picaboo.

8. Sellers in the cinema forced to stock rum by the litre | Dr Strangelove | Peter Sellers played DR STRANGELOVE in the cinema. Also hurmurmurmruhurmuhrumruruhurh and that’s how that works.

9. Tabloid reporter’s correcting backward sort of communication | Mirror Writing | Hey so MIRROR WRITING is a thing, write communicating in a reflection or some shit. A tobloid is the MIRROR, and a reporter for it would be WRITING.

15. Mobile not working by south coast resort, ringing compiler up | On The Move | What a freakin’ cumload of parts to this there are. NOT working becomes ONT, and the south coast resort is HOVE, near Brighton I think. If it rings a compiler up, it means it goes around the compiler, ME, up, becoming EM. So ONT meets HEMOVE for ON THE MOVE, meaning mobile. Very sticky, Crossword.

17. Learner stops getting fond of lecture | Talking To | I’m starting to enjoy the way you Brits clue! Stops here means to stop it up like a cork in a wine bottle, so learner or L stops the phrase for getting fond of, here being TAKING TO. Throw in the L for TALKING TO, which is a lecture. Splendid! Jolly good show eh what.

19. Punk playing loud interrupts household no end | Hoodlum | Goodness, a ruffian! Playing LOUD creates ODLU, and having that interrupt a household or HOME with no end for HOM gives HOODLUM. Shock horror, a scallywag! So English.

20. One old play about start of nouvelle vague | Inexact | Probably. One is I, and I suppose an old word for play, or an old play, or something, is EXACT. The start of nouvelle is N, altogether now it means vague. Like the clue itself: guess that makes this an &lit.!

22. Topless celebrity with silicone body parts | Tarsi | Celebrity is a STAR, topless for TAR, silicone is SI I reckon, TARSI are body parts, plural of TARSUS. Yep.

23. With media manipulation, rogue gets to improve appearance | Primp | Media manipulation? Spin doctors, or PR. A rogue is an IMP. PRIMP. I would have also accepted “Right on, sugar daddy, twerk it!” But you’re probably not going to see that in the GHAAAAAWDIAAAAHHNN. Danny out.

Saturday 6/7/13

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs Crucible

Hear that shit, SMH?! None of this NS, DP initial bullshit. These setters are HARDCORE. You sound like a bunch o’ pussies compared to the motherfuckin’ Crucible I’m about to take on right here. This gon’ be one epic battle royale. You bitches can stay home.

Thirteen answers contain the same three-letter word, which is not in their clues’ wordplay.

Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout. Don’t even finish the clue, Imma finish it for you homie.

ACROSS

8. Side’s phoney complaints | Diseases | And from the get go, the theme is in action. SIDES made phoney becomes DISES, and DISEASES are complaints. Where’d that SEA come from? Pulled it outta Crossword’s arse.

9. Extremely happy and sensible around animals | Hyenas | HYENAS are known for being extremely happy. Take the extremes of HappY, and the word for sensible SANE switched around for ENAS. Hoo hoo hoo he he.

10. Eg Newcastle and Liverpool matches | Gets | Okay Imma level with you, this is the one clue I’m lost on. I even figured out that Manchester accent wankery in the next clue, but this escapes me. Some English rubbish no doubt.

11. Singer may help her trace of Mancunian accent | Seamstress | And this is what makes the Guardian the Motherfuckin’ Guardian. Just look at this bullshit. Her is MS. TRACE in a Mancunian accent? If you’re from Manchester, when you say TRACE, it’ll sound like TRESS. What the actual FUCK Crossword?! Seriously. Oh, and another SEA in there for good measure. A singer is a SEAMSTRESS. Not that kind of singer, the sinJer kind. What a bitch slap of a clue.

12. Key for Anglo-Saxon instrument | A Sharp | Anglo Saxon instrument? An A.S. HARP. You get tired after writing 11 across, Crossword?

14. See surgeon in cosy armchair | Love Seat | See is LO, a surgeon is a VET. A LOVE SEAT is a cosy armchair. Another SEA in its midst.

15. Sirenians frighten divers ultimately | Sea Cows | Frighten is COW? That’s a new one. Divers ultimately is just S. Oh and put SEA in front of it for Sirenians, which everybody knows is a kind of SEA COWS oh fuck off Crossword seriously just fuck right off out of it.

17. Seamen set out across Spithead together | En Masse | Hehe, seamen. Spithead is S, and set SEAMEN out with it you get EN MASSE, meaning together. Hehe, masse.

20. Tea was brought back home inside cutter | Chainsaw | Cutter! I would have also liked ‘Loudly ties up hooker’. Tea is CHA, was brought back is SAW, and home is IN, put inside the rest for CHAINSAW. Vroom vroom.

22. Drive enemy back into grass | Tee Off | TEF? Tef is grass? You English. What are you like? An enemy is a FOE, put back for EOF, and inside TEF for TEE OFF, meaning to drive. The golf kind. Not the Volkswagen kind of Golf, the long walk hitting balls with sticks kind. Yeah keep up.

23. Catch embarrassed paparazzo | Red Snapper | HAHAHAHA EMBARRASSED PAPARAZZO HAHAHAHA IF HE’S EMBARRASSED HE’D GO RED HAHAHAHA HE’S A SNAPPER HAHAHA BECAUSE HE TAKES *gasp* SNAPS *choke* OH MAN A CATCH LIKE A FISH *wheeze* OH MAN THAT’S GOLD HAHAHAH *clap* HAHAHA *clap*

24. Not one of 5 2 Mussorgsky carried about | Ross | Oy. The ROSS Sea, which is definitely a Sea it seems, is not one of the Seven. You’ll see when you get to it. Oh it’s backwards in MuSSORgsky. Yeesh.

25. It braces one during a run | Sea Air | Does it really, though? Does SEA AIR really brace? One is I, and a run is A R, giving us AIR. Oh and SEA in there again. Not quite as majestic as some of the previous ones, wouldn’t you say Crossword?

26. Painter appears in sombrero, usually | Rousseau | Now THIS is the shit. Hidden in sombreRO, USUally we’ve got most of our painter. Add in a SEA and ROUSSEAU appears. Fuck yeah, Crossword.

DOWN

1. Hangers-on seen off by local manager | Licensee | Hangers-on for LICE, huh? Whatever. SEEN off for NSEE, and LICENSEE for local manager. Yawn.

2. See 5 See stars, Crossword.

3. Exhausts cause supercharger’s casing to drop | Uses Up | Drop the casing from caUSE SUPercharger’s and USES UP means exhausts. Alright, Crossword. Alright.

4. Blue liquid ready to be applied | Useable | Yeah, not really how you spell it though, is it Crossword? Make BLUE liquid and it becomes UBLE, throw in SEA and you get some Crucibullshit answer.

5,2. No match in the ’70s for ancient mariner’s domain? | The Seven Seas | A nice recovery after that garbage before. The ’70s are THE SEVENTIES. No match in it? Take out the TIE. Add in a SEA and you get the ancient mariner’s domain of THE SEVEN SEAS. Treat yourself with a masterstroke, Crossword.

6. Bloomer made by Scottish team at bottom of table | Hearts Ease | Oh piss off. HEART’S EASE is a flower, so there’s something I’ve learnt, and there’s a Scottish football team called HEARTS, another thing I’ve learnt, and the bottom of table is the letter E, which I think I already knew. With SEA in there you get our answer. Think I’ll have to brush up on some useless knowledge to keep up with this rubbish.

7. Naval apprentice upset initially by this? | Nausea | Fuckin’ &lit. FTW. Naval Apprentice Upset’s initials are NAU. Add SEA for NAUSEA. That’s something that might upset a naval apprentice initially? Give your own dick a good long suck, Crossword, you’ve earned it.

13. Short item about cold northern swimmer | Arctic Seal | Hey HEY! An item is an ARTICLE, and making it short, you drop the E. Put it about C for cold, and a different kind of SEA for the hell of it, and you get a northern swimmer, the ARCTIC SEAL. Arf ARF!

16. Cable tackles Conservative know-all | Wiseacre | Probably the most cryptic of all. It doesn’t even sound like SEA when you put it there! Cable is WIRE, Conservative is C. One tackles the other two for WISEACRE. Like Crossword here.

18. New candidate prefers this group to include a female | Safe Seat | This group is a SET, with a female or A F in for SAFET, and with another SEA in there for SAFE SEAT. La di da.

19. Work during conflict in Times shown on successive days? | Two Part | Work is OP, conflict is WAR, work during conflict is WOPAR, Times or T’s on either side for TWO-PART, meaning shown on successive days. And the sun never set on this Empire for centuries.

21. What the Observer did, he did to the Listener | Heeded | HAHAHA HE DID HAHAHA OBSERVER HEEDED HAHAHA sigh.

22. Neckwear that’s almost too risqué is banned | Torque | OOOOOOOH ‘almost’ TOO? So just TO. RISQUE is banned? Ban IS from it for RQUE. OOOOOOOOH.

24. Spots rook on tree | Rash | Yuck. Rook is R, tree is ASH, spots are a RASH, Crossword is gross. Danny out.

A Brief Word From Elsewhere

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs The Guardian

Dear Readers,

Firstly, my most sincere apologies for the absence. In preparation for a lengthy stay overseas I neglected to take the time to bestow upon you your daily dose of verbal vitriol. For those of you who have noted this loss with emotion I am deeply honoured by your patronage and truly sorry for the hiatus.

On a happier note, however, I have landed safely in sunny England and will be setting my sights on The Guardian cryptic while I am here. Gonna get right up in all their British shit. I’ll start with last Saturday’s, it was a fuckin’ corker. You think you’re better than me, Guardian Crossword? You fucking what. Innit.

Tuesday 18/6/13

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs DH

Sine die? Seneschal? Walloon? Rhode Island Red?! Shithouse. Fuck you Tuesday.

Friday 14/6/13

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs DA

Oh man, I thought I had you with a typo in 5-across. You are a monster, Crossword.

ACROSS

1. Serve as agent when Ophelia acts in sound | Act For | Okay excellent start. When does Ophelia drown in Hamlet? In ACT FOUR. Say that out loud for a phrase meaning to serve as agent. That is tastier than the bolognese I just cooked.

5. Write regulalry to our Archbishop’s daughter? | Misspell | What a rollercoaster of emotion this one was. To think you had misspelt a word, and then to find out that the very act was the literal clue. The Archbishop’s daughter is MISS PELL. I feel so empty.

9. Without much colour, half-hearted Mickey Mouse enthrals everybody | Pallidly | This was fucking diabolical, you tricky shit. Mickey Mouse here meant PIDDLY. And make that half-hearted for PIDLY. Have it enthral everybody or ALL and you get PALLIDLY, meaning without much colour. You shit.

10. See 21-acrofuckyou

11. Where to strike disjointed gate at rear | Target Area | Anagram. Come on, Crossword. Think harder.

13. Timeless gun, with silencer attached, causes wound | Gash | And so a dirty pun was again overlooked. The gun here is a GAT. Have you heard of a GAT? Sounds made up, doesn’t it? And I wouldn’t put that past Crossword. But no, it’s a gun. Make it timeless to get GA and the silencer you add is SH.

14. Budgetary Bohemian? | Arty | Fuckin’ best, Crossword, fuckin’ best. It’s not budgetary in the fiscal sense. It’s budge TARY. FUCK YES CROSSWORD!!! Budge TARY for ARTY or Bohemian. FUCK YEAH!

15. Jesting uncovered earlier, interrupting vampire scourge | Buffoonery | Oh for gosh sakes, what a ding dong doodly piece of diddly fuck. Earlier is SOONER, uncovered for OONER, which interrupts the scourge of vampires…BUFFY! What a dated reference.

18. Old actor quoted legal aide for talk on legislature tips | Clark Gable | I spoke too soon, THIS is a dated reference. Our legal aide CLERK when quoted becomes CLARK, talk is GAB and the tips of legislature are LE, giving us this old actor. Frankly my dear, I don’t give a fuck.

20. Becoming 13-across by game’s finale | Cute | LOL becoming. 13-across is GASH or CUT, by game’s final making CUTE. LOL

21, 10. Hold footballer, extremely luscious in light | Half Nelson | It’s a wrestling hold. Seriously, look it up. Footballer is a HALF, light is NEON and the extremes of luscious LS go into it. I swear it’s a kind of hold, check it out.

23. Pilots notice aura of planes | Aeronautic | Another anagram. Come now, Crossword.

25. Jungle boy, trim, smooth, scratching bottom | Mowgli | Oh piss off. Trim is MOW, smooth is GLIB, with its bottom scratched to become GLI, leaving the kid from the Jungle Book. Never saw it.

26. Flying body to adopt standard clothing at Brisbane terminal | Fuselage | Oh man your are such a prick. To adopt is to USE, and the standard here is a FLAG, like the ones Roman soldiers would have to carry into battle. So it clothes USE to make FUSELAG, and the terminal letter of BrisbanE is added for a flying body. Why is Crossword like a rose? Because he’s very prick-ly.

28. Strip dances to revolt parent | Ancestor | Oh what the fuck it’s just a container clue?! Dagnabit it I was looking for something interesting. It’s in dANCES TO Revolt. For fuck’s sake. Last clue, that was. Bam, I’m done.

29. Trifle – faster dessert | Afters | Anagram again! A trifle indeed.

DOWN

2. Bloke coming, short of four, to thicket | Chaparral | Oh yeah, I did me some Googling when I worked this one out. You fuck. Bloke is CHAP, and coming is ARRIVAL, short of four or IV, leaving ARRAL.

3. Turning ugly with AFL scapegoat | Fall Guy | Anagram, with the fodder split up by with. UGLY with AFL turns into FALL GUY.

4, 27. Nile initially blocked view, we’re told, of salty reservoir | Red Sea | I’m Jewish. You mention a salty reservoir and I’d be offended if it was anybody of water else. But we’re easily ticked off. So working backwards from the answer, the Nile in question is FRED, with his initial letter blocked, and to view is to SEE, we’re told, making it SEA. Oy gevalt.

5. Civic official dressing the bitter end | Mayor | The dressing is MAYO. The bitter end is R. Shithouse.

6. Diva discussed sweater for an Asian | Singaporean | Oh for flying fuck’s sake. Here I am searching for a diva who’s name ends in KOREAN or something and it was the other way around the whole fucking time. A diva is a SINGER, or discussed for a SINGA, a sweater is a PORE because pores sweat – you son of a bitch – and an is just AN, producing an Asian.

7. Mail centre on trattoria strip has several sides | Polygon | Yeesh you are astonishing in your arseholity. The mail centre is the Post Office or PO, and the trattoria strip is Melbourne’s most famous, LYGON Street. A POLYGON has several sides.

8. Old PM’s outspoken pride? | Lyons | HAHAHAHA LIONS GET IT HAHAHAHA A PRIDE LIKE A PRIDE OF LIONS HAHAHAHAHAHA OUTSPOKEN MEANS IT’S LYONS HAHAHAHAHAH PRIDE GET IT HAHAHAHA

12. Sledger toasting deviant outside dunny | Tobogganist | What a roudafuckingbout this was. CAN? LOO? Or even OUTHOUSE, meaning HOUSE rearranged, you cryptic fuck? Nup. BOG. TOASTING deviant becomes TOGANIST, hiding BOG for our sledger. Like someone who rides sledges. Which appears to be the plural of sled. Fuck off.

17. Old pope to squeal on Lulu | Ratzinger | What the actual fuck, you horrid horrid thing. Squeal is RAT, and it turns out lulu with a lower case L is a particularly outstanding example of anything, like a ZINGER. What the actual fuck.

19. Arbiter, staggering in East End, bearing asylum seeker | Refugee | Arbiter’s just a REF. Staggering here means HUGE, as in the delightful pun “Godzilla is staggering!’ which doesn’t actually work in the original Japanese. Say it in the East End of London and you get UGE, plus the bearing of East giving us an asylum seeker. All our Christmas Islands have come at once!

20. A putsch/But not mutsch? | Couplet | A putsch in German is a COUP, and but not prolly means LET somehow eh. Yeah sounds awright to me newayz. The whole clue is a rhyming COUPLET. Blecham.

22. Beautify a fashion designer, one missing satin hem | Adorn | DIOR is the fashion designer. With one missing it’s just DOR, and the hem of satin is N. Oh and A up the top. ADORN. Beautify. Bah.

24. Downsized ferris wheels more common | Rifer | Well complaining that the anagrams were too boring was going to lead here inevitably. Downsize FERRIS for FERRI and when it wheels it becomes RIFER meaning more common. Dick.

27. See 4-doeat a dick Crossword.

Friday 7/6/13

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs DA

It’s a complicated relationship I have with you, my old nemesis. Every Sherlock needs his Moriarty. And every Captain Ahab needs his (Moby) Dick.

NB: A dozen entries don’t make sense, and so rely on wordplay only. Well I gotta say this theme made for a delightful “Eureka!” moment when all the pieces fell into place. But despite the nature of this week’s theme, when do they EVER make sense, Friday?

ACROSS

8. I embrace a bird by party’s end | Malarkey | THIS answer didn’t make sense. I is ME, which embraces A LARK, next to the end of partY. MALARKEY is something that doesn’t make sense. See where this is going? Good, eleven more to come.

9. How beer is served directly | Head-On | LOL Beer is served with a head on it rofl like when you attack something directly you go at it head on lmfao

10. Dutch painter under discussion | Bosh | The next of the nonsense answers, but the last for me to find. BOSCH? Really Friday? This seems more like Tuesday’s territory. Anyway, BOSCH under discussion just becomes BOSH, another nonsense word. Ten more.

11. Understanding expert science, but only marginally | Experience | Really, Friday? This is much less Moriarty and more like Dr. NOOOO. The margins of EXPERtscIENCE reveal our answer. It is true that experience gives understanding, which I suppose is why weeks of this torture has made me spot this kind of bullshit a mile away.

12. F-f-fortune displayed outside | Piffle | FF with a fortune or a PILE outside gives us PIFFLE which also doesn’t make sense. Nine more!

14. Cool vacation just right for modern music | Claptrap | You sneaky fucker. A cool vacation, as in a vacation of COOL, as in you vacate COOL, making it empty and leaving CL. Just right is APT and modern music is RAP. CLAPTRAP makes no sense at all. Eight more.

15. Rotation, plus one more, in rotation | Palaver | Oh man I hate so much, let me count the ways. This turned out to be nonsense too. A rotation is a REV. Plus one more (rotation) is A LAP. REVALAP. In rotation, that’s PALAVER. That’s a kind of nonsense, anyway. Seven more.

17. Last to cultivate trees | Eyewash | This pissed me off no end. You miserable wretch Crossword. The last to cultivate is the letter E, and the trees were YEW, which I didn’t know, and ASH, which I did. I was expecting HOGWASH from this clue, but apparently EYEWASH, which we would commonly know as saline solution or the like, is another word for nonsense. Get fucked. Speaking off trees, syc(s)amore.

20. A redback in decline | Falderal | Well the spelling is disputable but I guess we have to allow it. A RED back is DERA, and put that with a decline or a FALL and we get FALDERAL, which makes no sense. Five more.

22, 2-down. Starker streak? | Balderdash | Oh you brilliant fuckwit. Something more stark could be BALDER, and a streak is a DASH, giving us something else that don’t make no sense. Four more.

23. B2 radiating foul vibration – cast out | Riboflavin | I think this gave me the most joy/rage to solve. FOUL VIBRATION has OUT in it, so cast those three letters and we’re left with FLVIBRAION. Radiate that for RIBOFLAVIN, better known as Vitamin B2. You really are quite a clever and talented arsehole, Crossword.

24, 25. Demolishes exterior wall in house with layers? | Codswallop | This was the keystone in my arch of words. A house with layers is a COOP, because that’s where chickens live. I know, right?! What a dickhead. The exterior of demolishes is DS, and a wall is just a WALL. DSWALL in COOP becomes CODSWALLOP. That don’t make no sense. Three more.

26. Bone with steak? So take five | Trumpery | This one I had to look up. Bone is a T, like the steak, but another steak RUMP follows. So here means VERY, hinted at by taking five which means to remove V. TRUMPERY is another thing that doesn’t make sense. Two more.

DOWN

1. Gets one weekend at a beauty spot above Greek city | Salonika | For the sacred love of FUCK YOU. Once I had 12-across it ruled out KALAMATA. And the beauty spot wasn’t a mole, it was a SALON. One is I, weekend is K, and a is just A. SALONIKA, that Greek city everyone’s heard of no doubt. Speaking of 12-across, what piffle.

2. See 22-across A please would be nice.

3. Fine exercise tips from iron-man on telly, Andrew | O’Keefe | I found your weak spot, Doomsday! Fine is OK, the tips of exercise are EE and iron is FE. That dash will fool no one!! The man on telly is Andrew O’KEEFE. Now that this bone is broken, maybe I can save Metropolis. But at what cost?

4. Facebook rival creating secret agent club for Spooner | MySpace | Rival? Are you fucking kidding? A rival would be vaguely on par, like Twitter or some shit. MySpace is to Facebook what a musket is to a heat seeking drone missile. Where ya been, Crossword? Keep the fuck up. Oh and a secret agent club is a SPY MACE. Spoonerise that shit.

5. Pill-seller offering speed to restrict damage | Pharmacy | Ooh, more than meets the eye. If you’re offering speed, you’re probably pretty PACY. Have that restrict damage or HARM and kablammozzolla, our pill-seller is a PHARMACY.

6. Apple wrote Shuffle/Wipe | Paper Towel | Shuffle APPLE WROTE for a kind of wipe. Anagram. Don’t waste my time by costing me so much less of it than usual, Crossword.

7. Macabre fan nursing cold heart, essentially fooled you | Gotcha | C’est magnifique, Monsieur Le Merde! A fan of the macabre is a GOTH, which nursesC for cold. Then GOTCH is followed by heArt essentially, for GOTCHA, meaning fooled you. You certainly didn’t this time, Crossword, you tricky dick.

13. What a gyrating flasher may do? | Flapdoodle | You filthy beast. Here I was thinking a gyrating flasher was an ambulance siren, or those spinning robot lights they have in theatres. I thought it could have been FIENDROLLS or something. But no, if a flasher is gyrating, then he’s probably FLAPping his DOODLE about. You are sick, Crossword. Sick. More nonsense. One more.

16. Deer Stalker features gross fears swallowing mate up | Earflaps | Mocking my trademark headgear is stooping quite low, even for you, my dear Moriarty. My Dear Stalker has gross FEARS, or EARFS, swallowing PAL up for EARFLAPS. I’ll get you yet.

18. They outlay braces, minus top brace | Spenders | SPENDERS do indeed outlay! Braces are SUSPENDERS, minus the top.

19. Promote Zellweger regularly with butt tucked in | Elevate | So I’m not sure yet of the link between butt and VAT, but perhaps it’s a tax thing rather than a tub thing. Regardless, Zellweger’s regulars are ELEE, with VAT tucked in for ELEVATE meaning promote.

21. In Japan I’m alleviating sloth, perhaps | Animal | …Is that it? Really? Oh Crossword, you’ve lost your touch. A sloth is an example of what’s hidden in JapAN IM ALleviating.

22. Rollback you perform finally? | Bunkum | Oh joy oh rapture, the final bit of nonsense. And even Google knows that rollback as a compound word is a red herring. A roll is a BUN, and the finals of bacK yoU and perforM give the rest. No more!

24. Head matador’s prop | Cape | Like the geographical kind. And the red kind. Like those of the bulls, a sad ending.

Thursday 6/6/13

by dannyvibes

Danny Vibes vs NS

I’ve heard Thursday’s nickname is No Sweat. I think Nut Sucker would be more apt.

ACROSS

7. Dad growled, “Go to work, it’s a most competitive society” | Dog-Eat-Dog World | Anagram number 1.

9. Place the highest point south, in reverse | Spot | Top south, in reverse.

10. A trainee has top piece torn inside a piece with top end removed | Apprentice | Top piece = P, torn = RENT, inside A PIECE with E removed. What a fucking waste of ink and paper.

11. Perverts force Ted to be a renegade | Defector | Anagram number 2.

13. Piercing the flesh inserting triangular material | Goring | More like BORING yeeeeeeeah cop it.

15. Fight over books includes a part of speech | Verb | Container. In oVER Books. Fight means nothing.

16. Grant for a road in WA | Award | A + WA + RD. And 2 + 2 = 4.

17. Forbidding opening games room in May | Grim | Games Room In May. See You Next Tuesday.

18. Certain believers final path, a long river | Hindus | Final path is H, the river is the INDUS. HINDUS are believers.

19. Ron, I’m back. It finished, badly, with the smaller number… | Minority | UGH come on! RONIM back is MINOR, it is IT, finished badly is Y.

21. …since people I run into make an attack on reputation | Aspersions | BAW Since is AS people is PERSONS and I goes in for that word.

24. Fat boy put right inside | Lard | Take that, fat boy! Wait no it’s just boy being LAD and right goes inside for a type of fat. Oh, that’s much less fun.

25. Ben’s naming a top agitator, the first one on strike | Opening Batsman | Anagram number 3.

DOWN

1. Epics of Camelot translation a total disaster | Complete Fiasco | Anagram number 4.

2. Great achievement with herb Edward put in a warm place | Featherbed | FEAT with HERB ED.

3. The stretch of water is, I hear, undeviating | Strait | Not STRAIGHT, but STRAIT.

4. Nothing in plant fluid is a cleansing agent | Soap | O in SAP.

5. We get odd results having a couple of possible outcomes | Two-Edged | Anagram number 4.

6. Worry with the fingerboard bar | Fret | Pun.

8. TV dinner, ale, etc, served for a reasonable period | Decent Interval | Anagram number 5.

12. Kingdom with genuine, open, management | Realm | Genuine is REAL and open management is M.

14. Despite everything, again drag back the French vessel | Regardless | Again is RE again and DRAG back is GARD and the French is LE and a vessel is an SS.

16. Killer was as open, sincere, as evil | Assassin | Twattish. AS, open Sincere, AS, SIN.

20. Saunas designed for Bahamas capital | Nassau | Anagram number 6.

22. Closely observes the last affirmative | Eyes | The last is E and affirmative is YES.

23. Wild party or getaway ends | Orgy | OR plus GetawaY ends. Nut sucker.